FAIL

Last night I dreamed of donuts.  The kind dripping with frosting.  The big, thick gooey ones that get all over you.  There were cinnamon rolls with frosting drizzling off the sides.  And I enjoyed tasting, savoring loving every single one.

I woke up and told Jeffrey about that delectable dream.

He smiled, handed the baby to me, and left.  Fifteen minutes he was back with a box of donuts.  Very nearly the same as in my dream.  Just no cinnamon rolls.

I smiled because he is so wonderful, and tucked into them.

And you know what?  They really weren't very good.  The cream in the middle of one was frozen, the other one was disguised as an apple fritter, but was really cherry (I hate cherry), and they were too sweet and left me feeling F-A-T.

I put on my jogging shorts, and they barely fit!  They were so tight and I blame the donuts.

Sometimes I think it is important to have an epic fail like that.  It gets you back on the right track.  My little baby (she is 17 months old) had surgery last week.  In my preoccupation with her, I didn't do a whole lot of exercising, and I had four accidental cheat days.  I blame the stress and worry.  And then I got sick, and when I am sick, even though I should do better, I am actually quite worse with my eating habits.  I don't want to work.  I don't want to cook.  I just want to sit, and go into a coma until I feel better.  So my husband cooks.  And when he cooks, he cooks greasy fast food.

But now, because of that epic fail, I am ready to jump back on the band wagon.  I am ready to start it all over, and strengthen my resolve.  Besides, I had lost two pounds last week.  I don't want to gain it all back!  I learned today that donuts are much better in the box then they are around your tummy. 

Well, as I have said, I have been feeling like junk lately.  Probably from the junk I have been eating.  So Tuesday night Jeffrey and I came to a mutual decision.  I am going back on the hypoglycemic diet.  And when I say diet, I don't mean "I need to lose weight so I am going on a diet."  I mean with hypoglycemia there are foods that can and cannot be eaten.  I am going to strictly adhere to that way of eating.  I think everyone ought to anyway. 

Making diet changes is a very slow process for me, with many set backs along the way.  But I figure, as long as I keep moving forward, no matter how small the steps are, it is a good thing.  So, here I am, back to it.

• No hydrogenated oils (which I mostly have been doing anyway).
• No refined flour (again, we eat whole wheat and basically nothing else, unless it is homemade.)
• No processed sugar (and that is the one I have been failing miserably on.)
• No soda (we don't usually drink soda so not a problem.)
• No HFCS (and that I added.  Because it is so bad for you.  And I can taste when it is in foods.  They are unnaturally sweet.  So so bad.)

I think that is basically it.  I can't really remember anything else.  I started yesterday.  And of course, that is the day our friend came over and brought a huge bag of gummy bears.  Surprisingly enough, it wasn't too difficult to say no to them.  It could be that I was feeling very yucky and had no appetite, but I am pretty proud of myself.  Conference is going to be a bit of a chore for me because I wanted to have little treats for Keith for listening.  And Easter of course will be a chore, but quite honestly, I hate feeling like this, so I think if I can remember this feeling, I can conquer that cursed sweet tooth. 

Sigh.

Tired. Oh so tired. Pills anyone?

I think I have found a problem.  And I am not sure how to surrmount it.


I am drastically tired.  Every day around 2:00, I am done.  It is like clock work.  There is no way around it.  I don't understand it at all.

And so, I just figured out today, the reason I am not getting any thinner, is due to this exhaustion.  See, around 2:00 every day (right when the tiredness hits) I get a massive sugar craving.  And then I just break.  I find sweet things.  And I just figured out why I get those cravings!  So I can have energy to get through the rest of the day.  And it doesn't ever work.  Which everyone knows why.  I get the sugar crash before the rush even really takes care of me.  And that is why I can't get passed the whole tiredness thing.

I am going to start on iron pills, vitamin B and vitamin D tomorrow.  I just hate taking pills.  But if it makes me feel better, I am all over it.

A Rant, A Rave and A Vent.

I just need to vent for a moment.

I love nutrition.  I love learning about the things that will help my body feel good.  The things that will keep me healthy.

But I am so sick of controversy.  I am tired of people telling me I am wrong.  I am tired of people with preconceived notions getting on their high horses, and very stubbornly telling me that what I am doing, and what I believe is wrong, and will be damaging to my health.

I believe that cow's milk is bad.  It has far too many hormones in it.  It does have calcium in it, but not calcium that your body can use.  I believe that it actually leeches calcium from your bones in order to digest it.  It is a leading cause in osteoporosis, and cancer.  It is just not good for you.  I began this belief by noticing that my body doesn't digest dairy very well.  I noticed that I don't feel at my best when I eat dairy.  I then began researching it.  One of the biggest sources that gave me much of my information was from the China Study.  Today I was told that everything (studies) that comes out of China is generally skewed and made to fit an idea.  The milk there is different from ours because there are no regulations, and the diets are so different from ours, that it should have no relevance to us.  But the thing that I think is interesting is Breast Cancer is the leading cause of death in women.  If Breast Cancer is virtually nonexistent in China, shouldn't we be paying attention?  Shouldn't we be trying to figure out what is different about the diets that is keeping those people cancer free?  Instead of booing down the little bit of evidence, saying it is irrelevant?  Also, I get plenty of calcium from eating calcium rich veggies.  Isn't that a better source since it doesn't require my bones to lose some of their mass?  No wonder women over the age of thirty have problems with their bone mass.  They keep drinking milk!  And I just can't get away from cheese.  I want to desperately, but many family members think they cannot live without cheese, and that my children and I cannot live without it either, so cheese is a constant evil around us that just wont go away.

I don't eat meat.  I have never been a big meat eater.  I just don't particularly like it.  After months of studying both in my scriptures (Old Testament, New Testament, and Docterine and Covenants) and personal prayer, I have come to the decision to not eat meat or feed it to my family.  It is not a decision I push upon anyone else.  I do it quietly.  But people notice and comment.  They think it is bad.  I have had many people tell me that they think my family does not get enough protein, or enough of the necessary vitamins and minerals.  I eat more veggies than many people I know, so I don't understand where my loss of vitamins and minerals would come from.  And why people are so concerned with my health choices.  We get plenty of protein from other sources.  Beans, nuts, legumes, and even some fruits and vegetables have protein in them!

I have made a decision to stay away from refined sugar.  And truth be told, it is hard.  I have a sweet tooth.  Big time.  I have been fighting it a lot more, recently.  I want to squash the hold it has over me.  But in the meantime, I try to use natural sugars like agave nectar, or sucanat, or even stevia.  I completely stay away from HFCS and artificial sweeteners as they are so very very bad for you.  Yet people still harass me about this decision.  Why on earth would it matter to someone if I am trying to fight this personal demon?  Especially since I am trying to at least substitute healthier alternatives until I can rid myself of this sweet tooth, or at least gain control over it.

I don't feed my family anything with hydrogenated oils in it.  I try to stay away from all things soy except for edemame and tofu.  I try not to use vegetable (soy) oil, and in cooking mainly only use coconut and olive oil.  And still, I get a lot of flack.  People are so down on coconut oil.  They say that vegetable oil is so good for you.  They don't realize that vegetable oil is made of soy, and that processed soy messes with the thyroid.  I listen to so many people go on and on and on about the evils of coconut oil, but they don't realize that coconut oil was demonized by the soy growers and companies.  They wanted a monopoly, and so they made it look bad, where in actuality it is quite good for you.

I am doing my best for my family.  The funniest thing to me, is I am judged and criticized for trying to feed my family healthy.  I am judged and criticized by people who feed their families soda and chips, and junk.  All the time.  I don't understand why it is deemed acceptable in our society to feed young growing bodies such junk, but when someone decides they want to be healthy and feed their families healthy food, they are demonized.  How does that make sense?  I just don't get it.

I am very frustrated right now.  I feel like I am blocked at every turn.  I want to be healthy, but with their being so many outside influences in our lives, it makes it extremely difficult.  I wish I could just move far away, and be able to raise my family without being under a microscope.  To be able to make decisions for my family without risking the wrath of someone who thinks they know better than me. 

And the worst part is, what if they are right?  What if I am being just as stubborn and hard headed thinking what I have learned is right?  There is so much conflicting information out there right now.  I was talking to a woman today who has completely given up on coconut oil.  She said every few years they flip flop.  Coconut oil has been said to be good.  Then bad.  Then good.  Then bad again, she just wants to stay away from it in general, just in case.  What if?  I mean, I am not really doubting my knowledge, because I don't just take things at face value.  I have to thoroughly research them before I will decide whether or not to believe something.  I have done a lot of research with my beliefs, and I feel in my heart that I am doing what is best.  I just don't want to come off as being stubborn and not wanting to change because I am proud, or willful.  I want to be able to listen to people's thoughts and views on nutrition and not feel contentious.  And not feel like I am being disregarded.  I need to not care.  Because everyone is going to make their own choice, and I can't make it for them, and there is nothing I am going to say that will change their minds.  Sigh.  I guess I am just tired of it all.  I need a break from nutrition controversy.  That is not to say nutrition learning and growth.  I am going to continue with that.  I just need a break from people telling me what to do, and telling me that what I am doing is wrong.    Maybe I just need a thicker skin.

Whew!  What a rant!  Still, it does feel a little better to get it all out there.  I know very few people actually read this blog, so I don't worry about the accusing fingers haunting me after they read this.  They most likely wont.  And even if they do, I feel I am doing what is right, so they wont change me.

Catch 22

It has been a long time since I have been here.  Not because I haven't wanted to, but because of this blasted bronchitis.  Someone has been sick in this house since the beginning of this month.  Really.  February first Jeffrey began with a flu and it has just spiraled out of control since then.  And I am sure the kids are going to get sick from me.  The poor things, because this is miserable!  I dread the day they get it.

So, this means Jeffrey is on cooking duty.

I love it when I don't have to cook.

However, when Jeffrey cooks, it means we get take out of something.  Fast food.  Greasy.  Fatty.

A week's worth of that.  Not working very well with the wanting to be healthy.

Which is funny, because eating junk is certainly not going to help anyone get better.  But I am not feeling up to cooking, so Jeffrey decides to do it, and then continues the viscious cycle.

It is a catch 22.

Whatever that means.

I think tomorrow I am going to try just a little harder to make something healthy.

I do have bouts of feeling good.

During one of those bouts, I am going to get a good soup going.  Something hearty.  Full of beans, lentils, and really yummy vegetables.  It is going to be incredibly tasty and healthy.

And that, my friends, is how I am going to beat this thing.  And make Jeffrey so much happier.  His wallet is getting tired of making dinner.

Here's to getting health back into my home!

Miracle Pill

I won the book Miracle Pill, and have been loving it!  So full of insight.  And the author really knows her stuff.  I honestly don't know where my fascination with nutrition came, but I really do love it. 

Jeffrey gave me the Richard Simmons Sweatin to the Oldies.  So fun!  Only problem is Faye wont let me work out.  She likes to be held and paid attention to at all moments.  Silly girl.

I am still dedicated, but am still having difficulty with exercise.  More so the desire to exercise.  It doesn't help that I have been sick lately.  I am hoping to get over that soon, so I can get back to trying to exercise.  Hopefully it will be extremely soon.

Being sick.  Blah.
Not exercising.  Blah!

But, I am very happy to report that my tummy is getting smaller!  Sweet.

"So what if I'm fat?

I recently had a bit of an awakening.


It has been on my mind for a while, and reading a beautifully written piece by Courtney Kendrick (aka C. Jane) really helped to cement it in my mind.  In talking about her struggle with weight and feeling worthy to be happy because of her body, she said:

I heard a voice say, "So what if you're fat?"

And I thought about it. Fat has always been so scary to me. The word, the way it flings out of the mouth when you say it, the way it sticks when it lands. FAT. The Devil's own word to sum up everything that isn't right. I am fat has a thousand meanings, the least being unhealthy, the most being unimportant. I have lived in fear of fat for so long, it eats me furious and terribly and leaves me heavier than any number on the scale.

But here was a thought, holding up a mirror to say, here's fat. So what?

Are your eyes any less blue?
Is your hair any less thick?
Or your body any less vigorous?

Did those noodles taste exquisite?
Was the conversation interesting?
When you cracked the brulee, did it pop?

Does your husband desire you?
Are your children charming?
Is your home still cozy and warm?

If you are fat, are you still from heaven?
Are you always divine?
Or worthy?

No? Yes?

 Thank you Courtney!  The words "so what if I am fat?" have been rolling around in my head, snowballing thoughts and ideas.  Connecting realizations and questions together.  And her post came at the precise moment to bring it all into clarity.

I have been thinking a lot about body image and the negative implications that come from it.  We live in a society obsessed with thin.  Not necessarily healthy, but thin.  I mentioned earlier about my high school years of being super thin.  I was not healthy.  I should have eaten more.  A lot more.  And better foods.  But I was young, and didn't think of the effects.

Now, I am much older and wider.  But I am not a different person.  Just because my body does not look as it did when I was 18 does not mean I am any less of a person, or any different.  I still have the same personality.  The same passions and loves and thoughts and feelings.  Only better.  As with wine, people only get better as they get older.

It should not matter what a person looks like!  It should not matter if they are fat or thin or orange or blue, or square or round.  What matters is on the inside!  I learned very early on in life to not judge a book by its cover.  I discovered my favorite book when I was in the 4th grade.  It is called Nobody's Girl by Hector H. Malot.  It was an old worn book.  The dark blue cover was frayed and the pages were yellowing slightly.  I happened on it by chance in the school library.  It was on the top shelf, overlooked by many.  It had not been checked out in nearly ten years.  Something about it made me curious.  I checked it out and fell in love.  I checked it out twice a year until I moved on to Jr. High.  I was the only one who ever checked it out.  And then my little sister (four years younger) checked it out when she was old enough to really read.  She said that no one had checked it out since me.  And she also fell in love with it.

The most beautiful story I had ever read was overlooked because it wasn't shiny and glossy, the equivalent of "thin" in the book world.  How often are people overlooked because they don't fit the stereotype we as a society demand?  How often are they left feeling unwanted, waiting on that top shelf for the magic new book sleeve that will transform them into the belle of the ball, the most wanted woman {or man} in the world?  It shouldn't be like that!

So in thinking about this, I am no longer going to be tracking my weight.  My weight shouldn't matter.  Don't get me wrong, I know that to be overweight is very bad for the health.  I know that there are many complications that arise from being overweight.  I want to emphasize instead on turning to a more healthy life.  Kicking out the old habits, and bringing in the new.  Focusing on myself and what I need more than focusing on what the stereotypes say I should be.

Happily, a side effect of this will be to lose weight, but that is not my primary goal any longer.  My primary goal is to better myself as a person in all aspects.  Be more healthy, and more well rounded.  This includes developing a daily exercise regime.  Kicking the processed and refined foods to the curb.  Studying the Gospel more fully.  Making more time to play with my children.  Reading more books for myself.  I figure, as I focus on these things, I will be happier.  The weight will come off when it is ready to, and my self esteem will not be tied to the scale.  I think also, my family will be happier as I do these things.  It is a win win!

So I will no longer  be posting my weight.  I will no longer be weighing myself.  I, of course, will shout long and loud when I lose a pant size.  I will squeal with delight when I need to buy smaller shirts.  I will not obsess over a little number that often would dictate my mood.  No more, I declare! 

Good bye scale, Hello happiness!