"So what if I'm fat?

I recently had a bit of an awakening.


It has been on my mind for a while, and reading a beautifully written piece by Courtney Kendrick (aka C. Jane) really helped to cement it in my mind.  In talking about her struggle with weight and feeling worthy to be happy because of her body, she said:

I heard a voice say, "So what if you're fat?"

And I thought about it. Fat has always been so scary to me. The word, the way it flings out of the mouth when you say it, the way it sticks when it lands. FAT. The Devil's own word to sum up everything that isn't right. I am fat has a thousand meanings, the least being unhealthy, the most being unimportant. I have lived in fear of fat for so long, it eats me furious and terribly and leaves me heavier than any number on the scale.

But here was a thought, holding up a mirror to say, here's fat. So what?

Are your eyes any less blue?
Is your hair any less thick?
Or your body any less vigorous?

Did those noodles taste exquisite?
Was the conversation interesting?
When you cracked the brulee, did it pop?

Does your husband desire you?
Are your children charming?
Is your home still cozy and warm?

If you are fat, are you still from heaven?
Are you always divine?
Or worthy?

No? Yes?

 Thank you Courtney!  The words "so what if I am fat?" have been rolling around in my head, snowballing thoughts and ideas.  Connecting realizations and questions together.  And her post came at the precise moment to bring it all into clarity.

I have been thinking a lot about body image and the negative implications that come from it.  We live in a society obsessed with thin.  Not necessarily healthy, but thin.  I mentioned earlier about my high school years of being super thin.  I was not healthy.  I should have eaten more.  A lot more.  And better foods.  But I was young, and didn't think of the effects.

Now, I am much older and wider.  But I am not a different person.  Just because my body does not look as it did when I was 18 does not mean I am any less of a person, or any different.  I still have the same personality.  The same passions and loves and thoughts and feelings.  Only better.  As with wine, people only get better as they get older.

It should not matter what a person looks like!  It should not matter if they are fat or thin or orange or blue, or square or round.  What matters is on the inside!  I learned very early on in life to not judge a book by its cover.  I discovered my favorite book when I was in the 4th grade.  It is called Nobody's Girl by Hector H. Malot.  It was an old worn book.  The dark blue cover was frayed and the pages were yellowing slightly.  I happened on it by chance in the school library.  It was on the top shelf, overlooked by many.  It had not been checked out in nearly ten years.  Something about it made me curious.  I checked it out and fell in love.  I checked it out twice a year until I moved on to Jr. High.  I was the only one who ever checked it out.  And then my little sister (four years younger) checked it out when she was old enough to really read.  She said that no one had checked it out since me.  And she also fell in love with it.

The most beautiful story I had ever read was overlooked because it wasn't shiny and glossy, the equivalent of "thin" in the book world.  How often are people overlooked because they don't fit the stereotype we as a society demand?  How often are they left feeling unwanted, waiting on that top shelf for the magic new book sleeve that will transform them into the belle of the ball, the most wanted woman {or man} in the world?  It shouldn't be like that!

So in thinking about this, I am no longer going to be tracking my weight.  My weight shouldn't matter.  Don't get me wrong, I know that to be overweight is very bad for the health.  I know that there are many complications that arise from being overweight.  I want to emphasize instead on turning to a more healthy life.  Kicking out the old habits, and bringing in the new.  Focusing on myself and what I need more than focusing on what the stereotypes say I should be.

Happily, a side effect of this will be to lose weight, but that is not my primary goal any longer.  My primary goal is to better myself as a person in all aspects.  Be more healthy, and more well rounded.  This includes developing a daily exercise regime.  Kicking the processed and refined foods to the curb.  Studying the Gospel more fully.  Making more time to play with my children.  Reading more books for myself.  I figure, as I focus on these things, I will be happier.  The weight will come off when it is ready to, and my self esteem will not be tied to the scale.  I think also, my family will be happier as I do these things.  It is a win win!

So I will no longer  be posting my weight.  I will no longer be weighing myself.  I, of course, will shout long and loud when I lose a pant size.  I will squeal with delight when I need to buy smaller shirts.  I will not obsess over a little number that often would dictate my mood.  No more, I declare! 

Good bye scale, Hello happiness!

Miracle Pill

Reading my friend Kristen's blog, I learned about a book which talks about the same things I have been trying to do.  Change the way you think about yourself and food.  Incredible!  I really need a bit of a guide in this.  I mean, I am doing my best, but without the proper tools and knowledge, your best can only take you so far.  The book is called The Miracle Pill and it is by Tres Prier Hatch.

Upon reading a little of it (from Amazon) it sounds like she went through many of the same struggles I am going through.  You know the ones.  Having a hard pregnancy and ballooning into something you never thought you would be.  Trying so hard to get it off, but never succeeding.  And then, she found a solution.  Thinking differently.  I really hope I win this book!  And if you would like a chance as well, you can go enter to win at Anne Bradshaw's place!

And I will write more of my musings later.  I really have completely changed my battle plan and my outlook.

Success!

I think it is important to celebrate every single success.
I have lost 2.6 lbs since last week!
So excited about this.
I have not had any sugar (okay, once I had a bite of Keith's rice krispy treat), no fast food (except the once when Jeffrey bought pizza.  But it was Papa Murphy's pizza, take and bake which means slightly healthier than something like Little Ceasar's, right  Okay justification, I know), and lots of water.  Nearly 16 cups a day.  I just can't seem to get enough of it, which is weird because I used to hate water.  It made me feel sick. 
I have been having a large salad nearly every day, and I remember how butter was my best friend?  I haven't even used any for about three weeks now.  Not even on my toast.  I use coconut oil in place of butter.
The thing that I need to step up is my exercise.  I mean, really.  I do yoga each night (well, the ones where I go to bed at a descent hour) and that about does it for my exercise. 
Idealy, I would get up around 6:00 and exercise while the kids are still asleep, but I find that when 6:00 comes around, I have a very hard time getting out of bed.  Regardless of how early I go to bed
And the blasted headache which I have had since last Wednesday is really getting old.  I can't seem to shake it.  I can't figure out what could possibly be causing it.  I thought it was sugar detox, but I don't think so anymore.  I don't even crave sugar.  It isn't even a temptation for me anymore.  I am getting enough sleep, I am eating healthy (no greasy foods, no simple carbs ie white flour), I am drinking enough water.  I have no idea what else could be causing it.  I am not under stress, my life is pretty darn happy.  Well, aside from the hurting head. 
All in all, I am awfully pleased, and very motivated to continue on with this lifestyle.

In other news, I figured out something a little funny yesterday.  I have shifted to be somewhat vegan.  I know, weird.  I never thought I would be vegan.  The only way I am not is I eat eggs and fish.  But I don't eat dairy anymore.  So no meat (aside from fish and eggs) and no dairy is somewhat vegan.  But I confess, I still eat honey.  I know many vegans stay away from honey because they believe it exploits the bees, and it is cruel, but I know that the source of my honey is very humane, and there is no exploitation.  My dad is a bee keeper, and gives me all the honey I could possibly want.  Lucky girl, I know.  :)

So, here is to a very happy and successful week!  Wish me luck that I can kick that exercise in the rear!

Headache

I get headaches.  Bad ones.  If my life isn't completely in balance, I am in pain.  Meaning, if I don't eat right, I hurt.  If I don't get enough sleep, I hurt.  If I don't get enough exercise my legs hurt {RLS.  But that is a different story}.  If I am under stress, my head hurts.  There are so many things that cause headaches, and I have been dealing with one for about a week now.  The funny thing is, it is always for a different reason.  Last week it was hurting because of lack of sleep.  Then when I got caught up it was due to bad foods.  Now, it is still hurting.  The only thing I can figure is because my body is going into sugar detox.  But due to all the water I am drinking, I have no desire to eat sweets.  Awesome.

Also, I am pretty excited about my breakfasts I have been having.  I don't like cow's milk, and so I have been making oatmeal to eat without milk.  Kind of thick sometimes, but what can you do?  I don't want to add sugar to it, because I know if I eat any, I will just start to crave it again, and I don't want that.  So, today I figured out the perfect way to eat it.  While the oats are cooking, I add some cinnamon, mace, and nutmeg.  After I dish it into the bowls, I cut up some bananas to go in, and add some craisins.  Delicious!  I may never go back.  I love it when I figure things out like that and both my mouth and my body are happy.  So awesome.

And so, I am hoping the headache will go away in a few days.  I know it isn't due to dehydration {I have been drinking about 16 cups of water a day.  At least.  I just crave it all the time now}, sugar, refined flour or hydrogenated oils {the things that used to cause the headaches} so I am at a loss.  I may have to do some meditating to figure out what it is my body needs or doesn't want.  But that is the joy of this quest for wellness.  I will be able to read my body a whole let better. 

The Blessed Curse or The Cursed Blessing

Ooch.  The holidays were not good to my waist line.
I thought I was doing well saying no to the goodies, but evidently, I didn't.  I gained 5 lbs.  But not to be discouraged, I have been reading, and researching, and am excited to begin anew.

To start off with, Happy New Year! 

I love this time of year. It is a great time for cleansing and renewal.  It is clean and fresh, and ready for us to make our mark on it.

I decided to start the 12 Steps to Whole program again.  I have been doing my reading, and studying.  I think I am ready.  I love this program because it is simple, and comprehensive, and gradual.  It doesn't ask you to change all your habits all at once.  It asks you to change one or two things at a time.  For January it asks that you stop drinking soda, and start drinking a green smoothie everyday instead.  I can do that!  Also to start drinking 8-16 cups of water a day.  I have begun that, and feel so much better.  I used to never want water.  Really.  I could go for a few days without a drink of water.  Then I started to drink it more, but winter time I always stopped.  Cold water when one is already cold is not a good idea, I thought.  But I am always thirsty now!  Which is a good thing, because all the toxins are being cleaned out of my body, I don't want sweets, and I am not as hungry.  Who would have thought?!

I also had a blessing in disguise which I am somewhat excited about.

When I first got married, it was very rocky for us.  I would get home from work, pull out a cook book, then curl up on the floor because the pain in my head was too much to bear.  I would find a recipe, make dinner, put the dishes in the sink, and then when dinner was over, I would crawl to bed.  Usually around 7:30 or 8:00.  It really took a toll on Jeffrey.  He was not prepared to have a constantly sick wife.  We went to several different doctors.  They all said I was having migraines.  I told them I did not see an aura, and I didn't think it was a migraine, but they didn't listen.  Finally, one day I was talking with my brother who is a doctor.  He said I might be hypoglycemic.  I looked into it.  I bought a book on it.  My symptoms matched up.  I began to follow the diet, and my headaches cleared up.   Though I was never actually tested, I believe I was hypoglycemic.  I got the shakey jitters, I got the headaches, everything when I ate sugar or white flour foods.  When I didn't, I was fine.

Over the past few days, that headache came back.  I have spent a lot of time in bed as I cannot cope with the pain.  I noticed it was always worse shortly after eating something I know is not good for my body.  So, now, while some people would curse this, be upset about it, I rejoice.  I have very poor self control.  Especially if it is for my waist line.  I enjoy food too much.  However, if I know that what I am eating is going to effect my body so much, cause me so much pain, it is a lot easier to say no.  Whereas gaining weight isn't as instantaneous, so I have a hard time saying no to that.  At any rate, I suspect the hypoglycemia is back, and I count it as a blessing. 

Now I just need to sit down, set some long term and short term goals, and I will be on my way!