"So what if I'm fat?

I recently had a bit of an awakening.


It has been on my mind for a while, and reading a beautifully written piece by Courtney Kendrick (aka C. Jane) really helped to cement it in my mind.  In talking about her struggle with weight and feeling worthy to be happy because of her body, she said:

I heard a voice say, "So what if you're fat?"

And I thought about it. Fat has always been so scary to me. The word, the way it flings out of the mouth when you say it, the way it sticks when it lands. FAT. The Devil's own word to sum up everything that isn't right. I am fat has a thousand meanings, the least being unhealthy, the most being unimportant. I have lived in fear of fat for so long, it eats me furious and terribly and leaves me heavier than any number on the scale.

But here was a thought, holding up a mirror to say, here's fat. So what?

Are your eyes any less blue?
Is your hair any less thick?
Or your body any less vigorous?

Did those noodles taste exquisite?
Was the conversation interesting?
When you cracked the brulee, did it pop?

Does your husband desire you?
Are your children charming?
Is your home still cozy and warm?

If you are fat, are you still from heaven?
Are you always divine?
Or worthy?

No? Yes?

 Thank you Courtney!  The words "so what if I am fat?" have been rolling around in my head, snowballing thoughts and ideas.  Connecting realizations and questions together.  And her post came at the precise moment to bring it all into clarity.

I have been thinking a lot about body image and the negative implications that come from it.  We live in a society obsessed with thin.  Not necessarily healthy, but thin.  I mentioned earlier about my high school years of being super thin.  I was not healthy.  I should have eaten more.  A lot more.  And better foods.  But I was young, and didn't think of the effects.

Now, I am much older and wider.  But I am not a different person.  Just because my body does not look as it did when I was 18 does not mean I am any less of a person, or any different.  I still have the same personality.  The same passions and loves and thoughts and feelings.  Only better.  As with wine, people only get better as they get older.

It should not matter what a person looks like!  It should not matter if they are fat or thin or orange or blue, or square or round.  What matters is on the inside!  I learned very early on in life to not judge a book by its cover.  I discovered my favorite book when I was in the 4th grade.  It is called Nobody's Girl by Hector H. Malot.  It was an old worn book.  The dark blue cover was frayed and the pages were yellowing slightly.  I happened on it by chance in the school library.  It was on the top shelf, overlooked by many.  It had not been checked out in nearly ten years.  Something about it made me curious.  I checked it out and fell in love.  I checked it out twice a year until I moved on to Jr. High.  I was the only one who ever checked it out.  And then my little sister (four years younger) checked it out when she was old enough to really read.  She said that no one had checked it out since me.  And she also fell in love with it.

The most beautiful story I had ever read was overlooked because it wasn't shiny and glossy, the equivalent of "thin" in the book world.  How often are people overlooked because they don't fit the stereotype we as a society demand?  How often are they left feeling unwanted, waiting on that top shelf for the magic new book sleeve that will transform them into the belle of the ball, the most wanted woman {or man} in the world?  It shouldn't be like that!

So in thinking about this, I am no longer going to be tracking my weight.  My weight shouldn't matter.  Don't get me wrong, I know that to be overweight is very bad for the health.  I know that there are many complications that arise from being overweight.  I want to emphasize instead on turning to a more healthy life.  Kicking out the old habits, and bringing in the new.  Focusing on myself and what I need more than focusing on what the stereotypes say I should be.

Happily, a side effect of this will be to lose weight, but that is not my primary goal any longer.  My primary goal is to better myself as a person in all aspects.  Be more healthy, and more well rounded.  This includes developing a daily exercise regime.  Kicking the processed and refined foods to the curb.  Studying the Gospel more fully.  Making more time to play with my children.  Reading more books for myself.  I figure, as I focus on these things, I will be happier.  The weight will come off when it is ready to, and my self esteem will not be tied to the scale.  I think also, my family will be happier as I do these things.  It is a win win!

So I will no longer  be posting my weight.  I will no longer be weighing myself.  I, of course, will shout long and loud when I lose a pant size.  I will squeal with delight when I need to buy smaller shirts.  I will not obsess over a little number that often would dictate my mood.  No more, I declare! 

Good bye scale, Hello happiness!